MY GREATEST GIFT TO YOU IS A DANCE FLOOR

There are many things a person needs in order to have a successful drunken night. In a previous blog post I wrote about five rules for the perfect drunken night, which can be read by clicking here and I would like to, I guess, add a little somethin', somethin' to this list - a sixth sense, if you will. I guess some (me) might say that I'm a friggin phenomenal dancer because of my epic and hardcore drunk dance moves. Alcohol = the best factor in creating the greatest dance moves you will ever create in your life... ever.... EVER! Anyway, over the last five or six years that I've been drinking, I've learned to master the skill of epic drunken dance moves. I have a few dance moves that seem to be routine whenever I pound back a drink or two... or just one, you know. These moves are as follows:

"The Painter"
This dance move is one of the very first dance moves that I ever created and have learned to master this bad boy to a T. This dance move consists of you having your hands in front of you body like you're holding a paint brush and then stroking as if you're painting a wall, a piece of furniture or a painting as if you're the next Pablo Picasso. You continue this with your right hand for as long as you feel appropriate and then switch over to your left hand to switch it up and fuck with people's minds as to how good and coordinated of a dancer you are.

"The Airplane"
Now, this one is fairly new (circa Summer of 2010) and I haven't really had time to perfect it that much because I'm usually too busy either destroying my house or corrupting youth on the streets of Waterloo. This dance move is exactly how you would picture an airplane flying in the beautiful, blue sky - except with a crazy drunk girl as the pilot. For this, you put your arms out as if they're the wings on an airplane and then you basically just 'fly' around the bar/club/nasty, dirty dungeon of a basement. It may sound foolish but the fifty-five year old men at Joe Dog's love this move, as should you.

"The Clock"
Let me warn ya, this dance move is more complex than anything Michael Jackson, Madonna, Lady Gaga or that creep from N Sync, JC Chasez, has ever pulled. This move works well with a larger group of people, and when I say it works well, it's even more epic when there's at least five people doing it. The move is simple really, it's just the delivery that makes this one a little complicated. Everyone starts off in a circle facing each other, with both their hands together straight up in the air (as if your hands are the hands on a clock and it is twelve o'clock, midnight or afternoon, whichever you prefer). Then, to the beat of the song, move your right hand down to each hour - one, two, three, four, and so on. NOTE: Make sure your left hand stays where it is because you'll be drunk and won't understand how to tell time unless it's either eight o'clock, nine o'clock or any other o'clocks. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS COMPLICATED (stay with me folks), as your hand is making its way around the clock, you must pretend as if you are slapping an ass. That's right my friends, this is also an ass-slapping dance move. Once you have made it all the way back to twleve o'clock, you slowly turn away from the cirlce while doing spirit fingers... and VOILA, there you have "The Clock" dance move.

These three dance moves are the ones that I tend to "perform" for everyone whenever under the influence of that touchy subject we like to call, 'alcohol'. You and I both know that you will have to PRACTICE these dance moves in order or PERFECT them since it is totally worth it in the end. We all know that practice makes perfect, people! Feel free to use these dance moves at your next party, outdoor gathering, Phil's visit or family outing. Just remember to feel the music, don't make an ass of yourself by not following my directions and when in doubt, just party boy the people next to you.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH DRINKING ALONE

Hello all. I'm sure you're pretty excited about this post because of the title. Well, I have one thing to say to you: you're an alcoholic. It's okay, I've been down that path and know how it feels. Don't worry though because an alcoholic isn't a bad thing. Urban Dictionary describes the term alcoholic as "someone you don't like who drinks more than you do." So basically whoever throws the word 'alcoholic' at you, take it as a compliment because they're clearly jealous of you and your champ status when it comes to drinking. I didn't realize my true alcoholism until my first year in university. Well, I guess that's because that's when it truly began. I always used to make fun of my friends who drank alone, mainly because I always thought of drinking as a social event. Once first year rolled around, I started to appreciate the whole drinking alone thing. For me, I don't drink to just drink and get a little tipsy, it's either I go all the way or nothing at all. That's true for other things as well. Totally kidding. So once first year came and I turned nineteen, I had access to all types of alcohol. I didn't have to limit myself for fear of the unknown when it came to picking my alcoholic beverage, I could try everything and anything I wanted, like crack! I had my choice of going into the liquor store, browsing, and then carefully deciding on what I wanted to order. With that, I held a lot more responsibility on my hands: I was able to buy alcohol for all my underaged friends. I know, as illegal as that sounds, it's so badass at the same time. My friends, being so grateful, would pay me with shots, drinks, diamonds, strippers, cocaine, and anything else dirty that you can think of. My whole life changed and I was brought into this whole new world that I loved and wouldn't dare change. This is when one of my addictions started. That's right, the caffeine addiction. I was having coffee left and right, up and down. I would have it on the couch, on the bed, on the floor and even in the shower. What would be the perfect thing to spice up this little addiction of mine? ANOTHER ADDICTION: ALCOHOL. One day I poured some Kahlua into my coffee to give it that extra kick that it needed. One day turned into the next, the next into the next and then the next turned into several and then several turned into a fuck-load of days where I was wasted by eleven in the morning. Then I started drinking coffee at night to stay up to write papers, study, watch Judge Judy and just do nothing with my time. Did I put some alch in my coffee at night? You betcha. Things turned for the worst when a couple of my friends turned nineteen and we were able to go to bars together. Let's just say, I was happy that I didn't have to go to bars alone anymore. See, the friends I went to bars with didn't live in the same residence as me so I would haul my ass over to their residence to predrink before the bar. However, I obviously had to pre drink before the actual predrink. So, I would blast my music, take some shots and by the time nine o'clock rolled around, I would be fucking smashed. Every now and then a couple people would come into my room and hang out with me so I didn't feel like that much of a dirtbag. They drank, of course and we all had a merry good time. To this day, I still think there is nothing wrong with drinking alone and I quite enjoy it sometimes but I would much rather make an ass of myself in front of an entire room of people than the fake people on the posters on my wall.

FLIP CUP FOR DUMMIES

I decided to write a special post for those of you who are unfamiliar with the game of Flip Cup. I realized that I talk about it 24/7 and that some people may not even know what it is. Let me just say, the skill of Flip Cup is one that is acquired over much needed practice and cannot be played unless it is under the supervision of at least one expert of the game. Flip Cup has very simple rules and once you learn how to play the game, you can add in little things to perfect the game (a song, team names etc). Here are the rules of Flip Cup:

1. You need an equal amount of people on each team
2. Each player must have the same amount of alcohol in their cup
3. Chanting is a must

This is how you play the game:
The players from each team is paired up with a member from the opposite team. The purpose of the game is to be the first team to have all players consume their alcohol and flip their cups before the other team. The most suitable cups for this game is just your standard beer cups (these are recyclable, by the way). Once the player before you has completed their flip successfully, it is your time to shine and flip that cup in one try.

Play responsibly.

FIVE RULES FOR THE PERFECT DRUNKEN NIGHT

I know you're all probably wondering how I have such epic drunken nights. Well, there is a lot of planning and preparation that goes into having the perfect night full of intoxication. I have broken down my routine that I do every single time before I start to drink and it goes a little something like this:

Rule One: LCBO
The perfect night out always starts with the right choice of alcohol. When picking the alcohol you will be consuming for the night, you must keep in mind a couple things: 1) you are what you drink, 2) it's cool to spice it up every once and awhile and 3) you can never have too much rum. For me, I know what kind of night I will be having from the type of alcohol that I drink. Rum = always epic drunk times while wine = way too drunk to even know my own name times. People always say not to mix different types of alcohol but I mean, if you gotta play Flip Cup, then you gotta play Flip Cup. I'd say, "the more the merrier" in this case.

Rule Two: Nap/Shower
For girls, one of the best things about a night out is getting ready. A nap is a necessity before you drink your night away. This way, after resting, you will be alert and aware of everything that is going on around you (for the most part). Starting to drink at nine and being tired by ten is never any fun so take at least an hour nap before diving in to the wonderful world of drinking. Next, SHOWER because no one likes a smelly drinking buddy. By doing this, the night will be stink free and you can feel better about yourself the morning after.

Rule Three: Music
Almost the same as picking the right alcohol, picking the right type of music to listen to while you're getting ready and also while you're drinking can make or break your night. If you're going to a club, listen to the latest hits on the radio OR just listen to Gaga on repeat (who the fuck doesn't like her?). If you're going to a bar, listen to some upbeat music, anything that will get you in the mood for some crazy drunkness. Don't be afraid to sing and dance while listening to your music, it will only put you in a great mood and it's always a great workout.

Rule Four: Outfit
Once again, your outfit should fit in to where you are going that night. Wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a wife beater is not appropriate for any club, well maybe The Vault because they are fucking sketchbags there. If you're going to a chill, sit down bar, jeans and a t-shirt is perfectly acceptable, especially when there is karaoke involved. Also, ask your friends what they are wearing so you don't look like a douchebag wearing your prom dress while they're all in flats and a skirt.

Rule Five: Drink, Drink, Drink
No one likes drinking alone, so, when you're planning a night out (or even a night in with drinking), invite some friends over. This is where all the four previous steps come into handy: 1) you have the right alcohol to get wasted with, 2) you are well rested and freshly showered aka ready to part-ay, 3) you have been listening to your favourite music in order to get you pumped for the night and 4) you are dressed for the part and can show off what you are wearing to your friends.

*Please proceed with caution when taking these rules into consideration in order to have the most epic and amazing night ever. Be prepared to have a blast and get pretty fucking wasted. I will not be held responsible for any damage that is caused to buildings, bodies or egos while using this technique. Drink safely, my friends.*

FOR ALL YOU RUM DRINKERS OUT THERE...

So I wanted to give my opnion on what type of rum that I like and this one is my absolute favourite..

(just plain old original)

Bacardi has flavoured rums also but I've only ever tried Orange, Raspberry, Citrus (ew) and Coconut. My favourite out of all of those was for sure Raspberry but the original is still my favourite. I'm not really a fan of any spiced rums but when I had Captain Morgan's, it was quite enjoyable. Another drink that I love getting at the bar is rum and coke (that will probably be the April's alcohol of the month) and made when right, it's the perfect drink.