GUILTY AS CHARGED: I'M A FISH PERSON

Don't get me wrong, I love dogs just as much as the next person but, fish will always have a special place in my heart... right next to my dog Rocky, that is. The first fish I had ever gotten was in February 2008 and I gave him the lovely name, Timbaland. Now, Timba was no ordinary fish, he was special and was just absolutely awesome. He was my best friend, a companion that I could truly count on because he was always there for me. Right now you're probably thinking, "fuck, this chick is crazy thinking a fish can be a best friend"... WELL, HE WAS, OKAY? I'm sorry for raising my voice, I just loved that fish so much. After Timba d..d..d...died, I was devastated, 126% devastated. The week before he died, I knew something was wrong with him because well, I was his momma. I wanted to take him to see a vet. My friends all laughed in my face when I said I wanted to take my betta fish to a doctor. So, I went to the mall for the day, came home later that night and found him.... dead. His poor lifeless body laying on the pebbles that I had so carefully placed inside his bowl after washing it the day before. I still remember this day as if it were yesterday.. oh wait, it was.... JUST KIDDING. He died in January 2009, almost one year I would've had the little guy. Just talking about this brings tears to my eyes. I can still see him lying on those pebbles, his neck (if he had one) looked as if it had been broken in half, his eyes were red, as if possessed by some sort of demon. I was so heartbroken after Timba died, I didn't have the strength to flush him down the toilet. I wanted to give him a funeral and a proper burial, it was the least I could do for him after everything him and I had been through. So, I kept him in a Vitamin Water bottle (one of the greatest inventions on this earth) and planned to give him a burial the next day. The next day turned into the day after, and the day after turned into the day after that, I just wasn't ready to get rid of him yet. One night, I got really trashed (my solution to coping with the pain from the loss of my dear fish).. and apparently showed my friend Timba in the bottle, was really upset...opened up the lid.... and smelled it...... a bunch of times. I know that sounds completely disgusting because, well, it is fucking disgusting. However, in a weird way, I'm going to say that act showed how much I truly cared for my fish. The next day, I realized that I had to let go and flush him down the toilet (something I had been dreading). So, I poured the bottle into the toilet, hesitated for a bit (maybe cried a little), and finally, flushed it. I always think about all the times we had together: me singing him lullabies before bed, reading him the latest issue of The Life and Times of a Betta Fish every month, cooking him perfect meals that consisted of blood worms and betta snacks, taking him out of his bowl and letting him swim freely in the pond down the street. You know, these memories I will always cherish because Timbaland Balls was the greatest fish I have ever had. My two other fish, Fib and Wilfrid, cannot even compare to him because I could never share the kind of bond I shared with him with anyone else. So please, when you go home tonight, give your fish a kiss and cherish those precious moments you have together because you never know when he might die and then you'll have to carry around his corpse in a Vitamin Water bottle.

Timbaland Balls
February 2008 - January 2009