OH HELLO, OLD FRIEND

I realize that it's been about fifty eight years since my last blog post, my apologizes. To be quite honest, I've been busy saving children from burning buildings, rescuing lost puppies and of course, trying to lead the life of any twenty one year old woman who in fact, has no life. You're all (all two people who read my blog) probably wondering "Why the post now? I mean, it's been so long since she last posted, what could she possibly have to write about?" WELL, my dear friends, I wanted to tell you about my evening last night. I know I say this literally every single post, but I don't remember very much from last night. Let me give you a little play-by-play of the happenings of my night:

I was sitting in my room working on my take-home exam (yes, they do exist) and I'm thinking to myself, "WHAT THE EFF AM I GOING TO DO TONIGHT?" I go out into the kitchen and see my roommates hanging out and drinking wine. "HOW INCREDIBLE IS THIS?" I say to myself. What a perfect evening to not do any homework, hang out with some underaged boys and get wasted. Let me explain the underaged boys part: my roommate's brother was at our house for the weekend, he brought up some friends and they lived in our basement for a couple days, the end. So I ask my roommate Kassy what her plans are for the night and she doesn't have any. We decide that we want to get drunk with a bunch of eighteen year olds. I mean, why the fuck not, right? So her and I get ready, tell the boys that we're hanging out with them (they didn't really have a choice or say in the matter) and we just had an incredible night. These boys introduced me to so many new things; a new drinking game, the power of a nickname and most importantly, that hanging out with people younger than you can be more fun than you think. I was a little weary about hanging out with these boys because well, they're like four years younger than me but I said "FUCK IT" and got drunk with them anyway. I just realized I haven't really talked much about what happened last night. I know that there was a lot of time spent on the kitchen floor, my new favourite place. I just decided, like five seconds ago, that hanging out at home and not going to a bar is the best thing in the world. I mean, who needs a bar when you have a kitchen floor and beer cups?

REALLY, LAURIER, REALLY?!?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR........

Dear Laurier,

I hate you more than anything right now. Of course the day before my first quiz in one of my classes, the system or whatever the eff decides to shut down/not work/suck major ass. ALL I WANT IN MY LIFE IS THE LECTURE SLIDES THAT HOLDS THE INFORMATION THAT I NEED IN ORDER TO GET 100% ON THIS QUIZ. I know this quiz is only worth 5% but that 5% could be the difference between a B+ and A-, a C+ and a B-... LIKE WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE EXPECT FROM ME?? I can't even check my e-mails, something that I do every two seconds of my life and I feel totally lost with my lack of WebCT/new MyLearningSpace that I hate all together, another subject that I can't even get started on. I know I shouldn't have waited until the day before the quiz to start studying but come on, give me a break, I'm a busy lass and I even finished all my work in order to have all night tonight to study. So now, I am forced to watch the new episode of Cougar Town because I have nothing else to do with my time. SO THANKS, LAURIER... for nothing.

I AM WATCHING YOU

Honestly, I think today may have been the most epic fail at life. My alarm goes off at 7:30 this morning for me to get up, shower and get ready to go to class but did I get out of my warm, cozy bed? You obviously know the answer to that question. Why would I get up for a fifty minute class when I could just sleep for fifty more minutes? I seriously think there should never be classes on Friday. OH FUCK, today is Wednesday. I still stand by my comment. Whoa, I'm actually totally rattled that I thought today was Friday for that mere two seconds. So seeing as I was too cool for school today, I figured I would spend my day reading my facking crazy ass African story that needs to be read for tomorrow but obviously failed at that. My room is right in the front of my house, meaning I have a full access view of the wonderful street, Ezra and apparently also have a staring problem. I have spent my day creeping Facebook, watching Teen Mom and staring at the people walking by my house. I didn't realize until today how many attractive boys attend my school, well, at least I'm hoping they go to my school. So here I am, it's about seven o'clock and I haven't even looked at my book because of all the distractions (good looking people) on my street. Obviously this sounds creepy but I mean, why wouldn't you want to watch people when they have no idea you're watching them? It's obviously different at night because people can see into my room if I have the lights on and my blinds open so I have to change my game a little: STRATEGY is what I like to call it, AKA closing ma blinds. I've heard some hilarious stuff just lying in my bed at night (obviously not purposely eavesdropping on people's convos) because of all the drunkies who like to venture to bars around the lovely midnight hour. SIDE NOTE: for the guy who tried picking up a girl by telling her that he had "room service" at Titanium, well played my friend, I applaud you. I guess all I'm trying to say here, in the least and most creepiest way, I am watching you...from my bedroom... at night... during the day... weekends... weekdays and usually wearing my pink fleece homesack. Happy Watching!

MY GREATEST GIFT TO YOU IS A DANCE FLOOR

There are many things a person needs in order to have a successful drunken night. In a previous blog post I wrote about five rules for the perfect drunken night, which can be read by clicking here and I would like to, I guess, add a little somethin', somethin' to this list - a sixth sense, if you will. I guess some (me) might say that I'm a friggin phenomenal dancer because of my epic and hardcore drunk dance moves. Alcohol = the best factor in creating the greatest dance moves you will ever create in your life... ever.... EVER! Anyway, over the last five or six years that I've been drinking, I've learned to master the skill of epic drunken dance moves. I have a few dance moves that seem to be routine whenever I pound back a drink or two... or just one, you know. These moves are as follows:

"The Painter"
This dance move is one of the very first dance moves that I ever created and have learned to master this bad boy to a T. This dance move consists of you having your hands in front of you body like you're holding a paint brush and then stroking as if you're painting a wall, a piece of furniture or a painting as if you're the next Pablo Picasso. You continue this with your right hand for as long as you feel appropriate and then switch over to your left hand to switch it up and fuck with people's minds as to how good and coordinated of a dancer you are.

"The Airplane"
Now, this one is fairly new (circa Summer of 2010) and I haven't really had time to perfect it that much because I'm usually too busy either destroying my house or corrupting youth on the streets of Waterloo. This dance move is exactly how you would picture an airplane flying in the beautiful, blue sky - except with a crazy drunk girl as the pilot. For this, you put your arms out as if they're the wings on an airplane and then you basically just 'fly' around the bar/club/nasty, dirty dungeon of a basement. It may sound foolish but the fifty-five year old men at Joe Dog's love this move, as should you.

"The Clock"
Let me warn ya, this dance move is more complex than anything Michael Jackson, Madonna, Lady Gaga or that creep from N Sync, JC Chasez, has ever pulled. This move works well with a larger group of people, and when I say it works well, it's even more epic when there's at least five people doing it. The move is simple really, it's just the delivery that makes this one a little complicated. Everyone starts off in a circle facing each other, with both their hands together straight up in the air (as if your hands are the hands on a clock and it is twelve o'clock, midnight or afternoon, whichever you prefer). Then, to the beat of the song, move your right hand down to each hour - one, two, three, four, and so on. NOTE: Make sure your left hand stays where it is because you'll be drunk and won't understand how to tell time unless it's either eight o'clock, nine o'clock or any other o'clocks. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS COMPLICATED (stay with me folks), as your hand is making its way around the clock, you must pretend as if you are slapping an ass. That's right my friends, this is also an ass-slapping dance move. Once you have made it all the way back to twleve o'clock, you slowly turn away from the cirlce while doing spirit fingers... and VOILA, there you have "The Clock" dance move.

These three dance moves are the ones that I tend to "perform" for everyone whenever under the influence of that touchy subject we like to call, 'alcohol'. You and I both know that you will have to PRACTICE these dance moves in order or PERFECT them since it is totally worth it in the end. We all know that practice makes perfect, people! Feel free to use these dance moves at your next party, outdoor gathering, Phil's visit or family outing. Just remember to feel the music, don't make an ass of yourself by not following my directions and when in doubt, just party boy the people next to you.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH DRINKING ALONE

Hello all. I'm sure you're pretty excited about this post because of the title. Well, I have one thing to say to you: you're an alcoholic. It's okay, I've been down that path and know how it feels. Don't worry though because an alcoholic isn't a bad thing. Urban Dictionary describes the term alcoholic as "someone you don't like who drinks more than you do." So basically whoever throws the word 'alcoholic' at you, take it as a compliment because they're clearly jealous of you and your champ status when it comes to drinking. I didn't realize my true alcoholism until my first year in university. Well, I guess that's because that's when it truly began. I always used to make fun of my friends who drank alone, mainly because I always thought of drinking as a social event. Once first year rolled around, I started to appreciate the whole drinking alone thing. For me, I don't drink to just drink and get a little tipsy, it's either I go all the way or nothing at all. That's true for other things as well. Totally kidding. So once first year came and I turned nineteen, I had access to all types of alcohol. I didn't have to limit myself for fear of the unknown when it came to picking my alcoholic beverage, I could try everything and anything I wanted, like crack! I had my choice of going into the liquor store, browsing, and then carefully deciding on what I wanted to order. With that, I held a lot more responsibility on my hands: I was able to buy alcohol for all my underaged friends. I know, as illegal as that sounds, it's so badass at the same time. My friends, being so grateful, would pay me with shots, drinks, diamonds, strippers, cocaine, and anything else dirty that you can think of. My whole life changed and I was brought into this whole new world that I loved and wouldn't dare change. This is when one of my addictions started. That's right, the caffeine addiction. I was having coffee left and right, up and down. I would have it on the couch, on the bed, on the floor and even in the shower. What would be the perfect thing to spice up this little addiction of mine? ANOTHER ADDICTION: ALCOHOL. One day I poured some Kahlua into my coffee to give it that extra kick that it needed. One day turned into the next, the next into the next and then the next turned into several and then several turned into a fuck-load of days where I was wasted by eleven in the morning. Then I started drinking coffee at night to stay up to write papers, study, watch Judge Judy and just do nothing with my time. Did I put some alch in my coffee at night? You betcha. Things turned for the worst when a couple of my friends turned nineteen and we were able to go to bars together. Let's just say, I was happy that I didn't have to go to bars alone anymore. See, the friends I went to bars with didn't live in the same residence as me so I would haul my ass over to their residence to predrink before the bar. However, I obviously had to pre drink before the actual predrink. So, I would blast my music, take some shots and by the time nine o'clock rolled around, I would be fucking smashed. Every now and then a couple people would come into my room and hang out with me so I didn't feel like that much of a dirtbag. They drank, of course and we all had a merry good time. To this day, I still think there is nothing wrong with drinking alone and I quite enjoy it sometimes but I would much rather make an ass of myself in front of an entire room of people than the fake people on the posters on my wall.

"THAT TRANNY IS HOTTER THAN I AM"

This past Saturday, I went to Toronto's Pride Parade with my friends Abby and Marie. I went last year but I must say, this year was my favourite year so far. I can't even really describe the amazingness of Pride to you guys... it's really just something you have to experience for yourself. Abby and I had a little adventure on the GO Train, then went to Marie's house to predrink, where we listened to some Green Day (a must) and came up with a new dance move called "The T.T." (Tina Turner). After realizing how wasted we all were, we decided it was time to venture to downtown T.O. where all the magic was happening. Now, I can't really tell you all the events that occurred because, well, I was pretty facking wasted. All I know is that I took a bunch of pictures with half naked men, saw Cyndi Lauper and ate a Fillet o Fish at McDonald's for the first time. My favourite part of the entire day was when we were watching these chicks perform to a Madonna song (I think it was "Vogue") and this wo[man] jumped on stage, she was wearing the lowest cut and shortest dress I have ever seen in my entire life, exposing her boobs and ass to the whole world. I mean, you could clearly tell that this woman was once a man but, if you got, flaunt it, right? This chick was honestly the hottest transsexual that I have ever seen in my life. She jumps on stage, dances for the whole song and at the end, DOES THE SPLITS and then continues to stay down in splits-form and hump the stage for a bit. Honestly, greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. I know I say this a lot, but I wish I wasn't so wasted so I could tell you the rest of my day/night because I know I had a blast. I did buy a penis lollipop, obviously it didn't last very long haha. It's hard to describe how fucking EPIC and AMAZING Gay Pride Parade is, as I just said in the beginning of this post and just realized now. ANYWAY, go to Pride, love the gays, watch some transsexuals on stage and always, ALWAYS make sure you wash behind your ears in the shower.

ALCOHOL OF THE MONTH

Alright, I've been slacking so this post will be the "Alcohol of the Month" for both June and July, hoookay? Great, glad we settled that. Now, for those of you who know me, know that I mainly stay within the same region of what type of alcohol I drink. I'm usually drinking rum or vodka but sometimes, when I'm feeling adventurous, I'll mix it up and throw a bit of wine into the picture but don't get too excited here folks, the "Alchy of the Month" isn't wine. I was debating between two different kinds of alchohol and after a great deal of calculations, experiments, surveys and just my love for a good solid time, I decided that the "Alcohol of the Month" is.....

SMIRNOFF WATERMELON VODKA

I must say, the watermelon flavour is my favourite out of all the flavours that Smirnoff has. I have never really gotten sick of it, unlike some other flavours (GREEN APPLE, FACK MY LIFE) and feel as though I can really count on it for a good time. So, thank you, Smirnoff Watermelon Vodka for always being there for me and having my back... even when I have been too drunk to remember.

VHAT THA FACK?

Where the fack have you guys been? I have been writing and writing and WRITING blogs and NO ONE has commented on any of them. Oh, no, waiiiit a second... where the fack have I been? Well, to be quite honest with you guys, I've been spending my summer working and not really doing much of anything else. I got drunk for the first time in like a month this past weekend (greatest day ever, I will explain in a post later) but other than, I literally do nothing else with my time. My life consists of the following: wake up, go to work, eat dinner, go to sleep and then do it all over again. I'm working like super crazy hours but that means lots of money so I'm like loving my life over here in B-Town. There IS another reason that I haven't been blogging much but I am way too frightened to tell you guys. Well, since you have nagged and nagged, I guess I have no choice but to tell you. I'm just going to come right out and say it... I have lost my humour. I'm not even joking with you guys right now. A couple weeks ago, I went through a midlife crisis (yes, I know I am only twenty but it's midlife for me since I plan on dying when I'm fourty while saying Tim Robbins from a burning building). See, here's the thing, I have my friend Will to blame for this midlife crisis because he is the one who stole my humour from me. I mean, most people steal cars, money, drugs, gum for their mother's purses, but this guy is going around and stealing people's humour.. and for that matter, MY humour. It all started when I moved back home for the summer after school was over (right now, you should all be staring off at the sky as if you are reminiscing about your own life). I started working at my job, where this so-called friend of mine also works. Now, I didn't notice it at first because well, he's a sneaky little bugger who hides theft extremely well, but, as time moved on, I noticed more and more that he was becoming funnier and funnier... until one day.. BAM, it hit me (not a truck, HIS HUMOUR). I can honestly say, that day was one of the worst days of my life. I couldn't decide what was worse, the fact that I wasn't funny anymore or the fact that he was the one that made me realize it. Honestly, I still don't know which one is worse... all I know is that they both mean the same thing: my funny bone has been broken. You may all think this is a joke, but I mean business here people. I make jokes, no one laughs... I put myself in danger to be funny, no one laughs... I EVEN STEAL JOKES FROM DANE COOK AND USE THEM AS MY OWN, no one laughs. I seriously am starting to believe that I am one of those people that people laugh AT and not WITH. I can't even really describe to you the thoughts that have been going through my mind these last couple months. A lot of anger, saddens, bitterness... definitely not funniness, I can tell you that for sure. I don't know what life is without humour. I can't imagine a day without laughter, without any sort of giggle. I find that I am the only one laughing at my jokes now. What kind of a life is that? I can't be known as the girl who laughs alone in a corner because no one will play with her? What is this even, Elementary School? I guess all I can say now is that the truth hurts. I, Christina Caroline, am no longer funny. So please be kind to me the next time you see me, I am a hurting grasshopper.

ALCOHOL OF THE MONTH

Happy May everyone! I feel like it's been forever since I've written a post... probably because it has been FOR-EV-ER (Sandlot reference, hope you got it). I've been busy working and such... aka having no life. But enough about me, how've you been? Oh, that's just great. So, seeing as I should've done the "Alcohol of the Month" at the beginning of the month, I'm going to do it now. Ya'll can relax and sit back in your chairs now that the suspense of May's alcohol will soon be over. Draaaamm raaalll puhhhlleeaasseeee:

ROCKSTAR VODKA!

What is this drink? An energy drink? A mixed drink? WHO KNOWS EVEN! All I know is that it is freaking delicious. The 6.9% of alcohol is perfect to chase your rum shot with (yes, a chase is absolutely necessary when I'm drinking).

*Chase: anything that can get rid of the nasty taste of alcohol after doing a shot (beer, lemon, lime, juice, pop and apparently Rockstar Vodka).

This drink is perfect to play Flip Cup with when you are too lazy to make a beer run and/or don't even like beer (only Canadian, please). The taste is a little fruity, a little fizzy but a whole lotta deliciousness (what the fuck?). To be honest, this drink kind of reminds me of the days when I would drink Twisted Smirnoff Coolers but, let's be serious, I'm not sixteen anymore.

BEAUTIFUL BLOGGER AWARD

YAY, THE BEAUTIFUL BLOGGER AWARD =)
Thank you Claud for nominating me for The Beautiful Blogger Award!!! Soooo nice of you!

The rules are - link back to the person who tagged you, nominate 7 other bloggers and list 7 facts about yourself.

And the nominees are (drum roll please):

Canvas Cosmetics
Makeup By TiffanyD
Swingin to my Own Sound
Welcome to the Jungle
TelevisionBox
Chef Cameron
P.S. We Got Dicks Like Jesus

Seven rando facts:

1. I almost drowned in a lazy river when I was ten
2. I'm scared of the dark
3. I have watched Superbad more times than a person should
4. I have a problem with laughing.. as in, I laugh at literally everything
5. I have a problem with being serious, hence number four
6. I used to be addicted to scratch tickets when I turned eighteen
7. I have probably spent about a hundred bucks playing the arcade game Stack 'Em

THE BEST THING ABOUT EXAMS

Well, there is absolutely nothing good about final exams, everyone knows that. However, what I am looking forward to the most is the SECOND I am done my last exam, I will be celebrating with a shot of rum... and then a lot more shots later on that night. Sadly, what I am trying to break to you as quickly and pain free as possible is that I probably won't be blogging as much as I normally do because of exams. I know, I know, I cried a little bit when I heard the news too. Don't worry, I'll be coming back with a shit load of epic material for you guys. OH, Jen's birthday is on the fifteenth, so that means we're going out and then I'll obviously write a post about our amazing night. So, my dear friends, this will be it for a little bit. My last words to you: always remember to pull your friend's hair back when she is puking.

Good Day =)

FLIP CUP FOR DUMMIES

I decided to write a special post for those of you who are unfamiliar with the game of Flip Cup. I realized that I talk about it 24/7 and that some people may not even know what it is. Let me just say, the skill of Flip Cup is one that is acquired over much needed practice and cannot be played unless it is under the supervision of at least one expert of the game. Flip Cup has very simple rules and once you learn how to play the game, you can add in little things to perfect the game (a song, team names etc). Here are the rules of Flip Cup:

1. You need an equal amount of people on each team
2. Each player must have the same amount of alcohol in their cup
3. Chanting is a must

This is how you play the game:
The players from each team is paired up with a member from the opposite team. The purpose of the game is to be the first team to have all players consume their alcohol and flip their cups before the other team. The most suitable cups for this game is just your standard beer cups (these are recyclable, by the way). Once the player before you has completed their flip successfully, it is your time to shine and flip that cup in one try.

Play responsibly.

FIVE RULES FOR THE PERFECT DRUNKEN NIGHT

I know you're all probably wondering how I have such epic drunken nights. Well, there is a lot of planning and preparation that goes into having the perfect night full of intoxication. I have broken down my routine that I do every single time before I start to drink and it goes a little something like this:

Rule One: LCBO
The perfect night out always starts with the right choice of alcohol. When picking the alcohol you will be consuming for the night, you must keep in mind a couple things: 1) you are what you drink, 2) it's cool to spice it up every once and awhile and 3) you can never have too much rum. For me, I know what kind of night I will be having from the type of alcohol that I drink. Rum = always epic drunk times while wine = way too drunk to even know my own name times. People always say not to mix different types of alcohol but I mean, if you gotta play Flip Cup, then you gotta play Flip Cup. I'd say, "the more the merrier" in this case.

Rule Two: Nap/Shower
For girls, one of the best things about a night out is getting ready. A nap is a necessity before you drink your night away. This way, after resting, you will be alert and aware of everything that is going on around you (for the most part). Starting to drink at nine and being tired by ten is never any fun so take at least an hour nap before diving in to the wonderful world of drinking. Next, SHOWER because no one likes a smelly drinking buddy. By doing this, the night will be stink free and you can feel better about yourself the morning after.

Rule Three: Music
Almost the same as picking the right alcohol, picking the right type of music to listen to while you're getting ready and also while you're drinking can make or break your night. If you're going to a club, listen to the latest hits on the radio OR just listen to Gaga on repeat (who the fuck doesn't like her?). If you're going to a bar, listen to some upbeat music, anything that will get you in the mood for some crazy drunkness. Don't be afraid to sing and dance while listening to your music, it will only put you in a great mood and it's always a great workout.

Rule Four: Outfit
Once again, your outfit should fit in to where you are going that night. Wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a wife beater is not appropriate for any club, well maybe The Vault because they are fucking sketchbags there. If you're going to a chill, sit down bar, jeans and a t-shirt is perfectly acceptable, especially when there is karaoke involved. Also, ask your friends what they are wearing so you don't look like a douchebag wearing your prom dress while they're all in flats and a skirt.

Rule Five: Drink, Drink, Drink
No one likes drinking alone, so, when you're planning a night out (or even a night in with drinking), invite some friends over. This is where all the four previous steps come into handy: 1) you have the right alcohol to get wasted with, 2) you are well rested and freshly showered aka ready to part-ay, 3) you have been listening to your favourite music in order to get you pumped for the night and 4) you are dressed for the part and can show off what you are wearing to your friends.

*Please proceed with caution when taking these rules into consideration in order to have the most epic and amazing night ever. Be prepared to have a blast and get pretty fucking wasted. I will not be held responsible for any damage that is caused to buildings, bodies or egos while using this technique. Drink safely, my friends.*

A POST BY REQUEST

For those of you who know me, know that I'm like strangely obsessed with animals. Well, not obsessed, I just really love animals but then again, who doesn't? I never thought to write a post about this event because 1) it was traumatizing and 2) I was not intoxicated when it occurred and figured it was not suitable for my blog. However, my lovely friend Matthew requested that I write a post about the happenings of Sunday, March 21st. Here we go...

*Please note that for privacy reasons, Chester's real name was not used in this blog post.*

It was a gloomy Sunday evening. Steph, Matt and I were studying in the Dining Hall and decided to leave around eleven since we weren't actually getting any work done. As we were walking home, we see our friend Chester who kindly offers us a ride home because it was raining. Being lazy and not wanting to walk home in the rain, we gladly accepted his offer. At this point, everything just seemed perfect in our lives; we left the DH just in time to see Chester walking to his car where he offered to give us a ride when it was raining. By now you're probably thinking that this story is a happy one. WELL, it's not and you should probably be sitting down for the next part. Although, you're obviously sitting down right now because who goes on a computer while standing up? Anyways, we get in Chester's car and it was like there were fucking show tunes playing and all of us were singing along and loving life. We turn onto our street, Matt points out that there is a possum walking across the street and BAM, Chester hits the possum with his car. Not such a big deal right? I mean, it's not like Chester hit this poor little possum on purpose. OH NO WAIT, HE DID! That's right folks, Chester is a possum killer. This murder happened so quickly; he sped up, swerved to the left and then ran over the possum (which I named Ralph). I was in complete shock when this happened and never imagined that I would ever take part in the murder of an innocent animal. As we slowly drove away, I felt one tear roll down my cheek, but quickly wiping it away so the possum killer wouldn't see it. I then lectured Chester about killing a possum and told him that she/he was probably a mother/father going home to see their family. Chester then proceeded to tell me about what they do to chickens in a slaughterhouse as if to defend what he had just done. Don't get me wrong, we all love Chester and everything but, after this, it's hard to trust a guy who killed a possum out of pleasure. We all went to see Ralph after we got out of the car, I brought a shovel and made Chester carry Ralph back to our house. I wanted to bury him but the ground was frozen and so, called the Humane Society the next morning for them to come pick Ralph up. I guess all I can say is that I wish I was drunk when all this happened so I didn't have this memory of the car driving over poor Ralphy and the bump that I felt when we ran him over. This moment in time will forever haunt me and the other occupants in the car that evening. The only advice I have for all of you is that even the nicest people can be possum killers so be careful who you get in a car with.

REST IN PEACE RALPH, YOU WILL BE MISSED.

MEMORY LANE: ABSOLUT PEACH VODKA

ABSOLUT PEACH VODKA:
When: October 2008
Where: WCH/Terrace/Philip's/Literally all over campus
One of the first times that I drank any kind of Absolut vodka was first year university. I wanted to branch out from my Smirnoff drinking days and since I love the taste of peaches, thought that this choice was the right one. This was one month after I turned nineteen, and me being me and being nineteen, I thought that was I allowed to do anything because of my age. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but come on, I was young and didn't know any better. So anywhos, the night I drank this a pretty memorable one and one of my favourite nights from first year. My roommate this year (Kristin) had two friends come up to visit her for the weekend. They all came over to my res room to drink and then we set out for a night out on the.... campus. See, only two of us were nineteen at the time and we didn't do the whole fake ID thing so we just had to make the best of our night without going to any bars or clubs (man, I miss those days... not). Our intention for leaving my room was to make it over to one of the other residences to visit their friend. Did we ever make it over there? Def not. While walking through campus, we made a bunch of friends, people I probably see all the time at school and do not remember them at all thanks to this vodka. We somehow managed to make it to Philip's that night? Don't ask me how hat happened, it just did. We never went inside but just hung around outside the building for awhile because that's what cool people do I guess. We went back on campus, walked in the middle of the road, also a thing that cool people do and then we got stopped by the Special Constables. Not going to lie, I thought it was the police and thought I was so tough talking to them. You're probably wondering why it's such a big deal that the SCs were talking to us. Well, we had water bottle/coffee mugs full of alcohol that we were drinking on our adventure. The cops, I mean Special Constable men asked us what was in our cups and these were our responses: "juice", "gatorade", "rum and coke", "vodka". After hearing that two of us had alcohol in our cups, they were not pleased with us and said, "do you ladies know that it is a $300 fine to have open alcohol in public?" I replied with the line, "sir, it doesn't matter, I'm nineteen, I can drink wherever I want since I'm of legal drinking age." BAD MOVE ON MY PART. They told us to dump out our drinks in front of them and that they would let us off with a warning. Me, being drunk and stupid said, "can I chug the bottle instead of dumping it since that would be wasting alcohol." They just looked at each other, shook their heads and told me that defeated the whole purpose of this. THEN, I invited them back to my res room to continue drinking with us. Sadly, they declined my offer and then we chatted with them for a bit. The one officer actually went to my school and was so proud that he got a degree in Sociology. When he told me that, it was like it was from a movie. He was getting into the car, I yelled, "what did you come to Laurier for?" and he looked at me, proudly said, "Sociology" while nodding his head in approval. I found it amazing that he was now working as a Special Constable at the same school he got his degree. This encounter with these cops was a kind of wake up call for me and it was then that I realized that even though I was nineteen, I wasn't capable of doing anything that I pleased. However, being twenty, I now realize that THIS age is when I'm allowed to do whatever I want.

"CAN I BUY YOU LAST CALL?"

Holy crap, where to start with last night. I can honestly say that last night is up there with one of my favourite drunken nights. Just give me Green Day, dancing and Joe Dog's and I am the happiest girl of life. My friends and I decided to go to Joe Dog's last night because it is probably the greatest bar in the history of the world. Since the LCBO was closed yesterday, I didn't have any alcohol to drink before we went to the bar and so, had to "borrow" some from my parents. My mom told me to check the cupboard where she keeps all the alcohol and that is where I found this wine called Baby Duck. Now, this clearly would never be my first choice to drink but all the alcohol that my parents owned had been consumed by me over various holidays. I decided that I didn't want to spend a billion dollars at the bar so I would have to settle for this weird wine. As I was getting ready, I decided to down a cold shot which wasn't very cold at all. Warm beer + my dislike for beer = disgusting. We went to my friend's house to predrink and this is where things turned for the worst. I cracked open that bottle of Baby Duck and wasn't leaving until it was finished. I've said this before, I'm not a big wine drinker and that Baby Duck wine is the reason why. It wasn't THAT bad but I obviously would have preferred some rum over drinking something that has baby ducks in it. So we leave the house around eleven or so and get to my favourite place on earth, Joe Dog's. I can't even describe to you why I like this bar so much, it's just amazing. We all sit down, I order a double rum and coke, and then the rest of the night is a blur... I'm TOTALLY KIDDING. Last night was amazing, remember? So anyways, the combination of three rum and cokes + one bottle of wine + one cold shot + four shots (one being the waitress' choice) = an epic night. There was a band playing last night and I absolutely loved them. I requested Green Day, obviously and they played She which is one of my favourite songs by them. I must say, Lesley and I are amazing dancers and were actually the only ones on the dancefloor for most of the night. Kris10 and Marie did join us of a bit but it was mainly just her and I. After awhile, it was just me alone on the dancefloor and I still loved my life. They played Blink, Sublime, Kings of Leon.. just absolute amazingness coming from the speakers. My obsession with Green Day is just ridiculous... and it has been going on for so long. Every time the band was done playing a song I would yell "GREEN DAY" at the top of my lungs, wishing and hoping that they would play more Green Day. By the very end of the night, it was just me on the dancefloor and I felt a tap on my shoulder and this like at least sixty year old man standing behind me starting to dance. I was OBVIOUSLY down to dance with him since no one else wanted to get their groove on with me. So, we danced for one song and after it was over, my friends all wanted to leave. Me and my bf introduced ourselves to each other, can't remember his name for the life of me and he offered to buy me a drink... this is where I absolutely died. Never in my life has a sixty year old man offered to buy me a drink. This goes to show the type of people who hang out at Joe Dog's. After declining his offer (so sad), we waited outside for my brother to pick us up. He drove my friend Marie home and this is when I had to get out of the car to puke. He was pulled over on the side of the road, I lept out of the car and just let the grass have it. I felt amazing afterwards, don't get me wrong and the Kraft Dinner that we made when we got home did not help my condition. Kris10 slept over at my house, we Omegled for a bit, talked to some boy who pretended to be from Ireland, it was just superb. I really have nothing witty to say at the end of all this.... sooooo.... I love Green Day?

I FORGOT IT WAS WEDNESDAY

I was debating whether or not to write a blog about last night for two reasons: 1) we went to The Vault, a place I absolutely hate and after last night, I refuse to go there ever again and 2) I'm just insanely bitter about the whole Vault thing. I know starting this post off on a bad note is a downer but just thinking about this place makes me angry. I used to go there all the time last year with the girls from my floor, until Michelle and I were banned and since then, I've only been there twice. I must say, two times too many for my liking. I have legit reasons for hating this place and they are as follows:

1) I was "banned" from there
2) Because of number one, that means the owners/bouncers are assholes
3) I was kicked out for talking to a mirror (another story for another time)
4) The layout of the club is absolutely ridiculous (let me expand on this one)

Okay, so number four...
The dancefloor isn't even a dancefloor. At normal clubs, they have a separate place for the dancefloor, aka an ACTUAL dancefloor but here, they don't. Basically, you'll be dancing and people are pushing you out of their way because they're trying to walk by.

I must say, I had a blast predrinking at the Vesia's house (we call our friends the Vesia's because that's the last name of one of the girl's who lives there). I drank my Pink wine, sang a little Gaga and went to.... The Vault. One of the guys who was predrinking with us gave us all tickets to get in for free but we didn't get there before eleven thirty so we couldn't use it. I was stoked when he gave me this card because I didn't want to give The Vault any of my money because I refuse to support them... in any way. However, my five dollar cover is the last thing they will ever be getting from me. I did enjoy the part of the night where I decided to take a stroll down Ezra in my pink homesack. For those of you who don't know what a homesack is, Google it. Just kidding, you won't find it on Google. Just picture a house coat with a zipper. Somehow I managed to do mine up when it was inside out. I can't believe how much I hate The Vault, I truly apologize for those of you who like The Vault but I have one question for all of you, WHY? Believe you me, this place ain't no Philip's, so don't plan on going there any time soon.

TONIGHT'S ANTHEM

Let's be serious, there is no description needed for this video.

ALCOHOL OF THE MONTH

I'm not much of a wine drinker but when I was presented with the opportunity to try my roommate's (Danielle) wine last year I said, "what the hay" and decided to try it. I must say, I've only had a few wines in my entire life but this one is my absolute favourite:

It's called Pink by Yellowglen, don't ask me what Yellowglen is because I have absolutely no idea. To be honest, what got me was the presentation of the bottle; I mean, who wouldn't want to drink a wine with a name like that? It looks classy and sophisticated, things I like to think I am when I drink wine. It's a sparkling wine, I don't know what that means in the wine world but it tastes delicious. I give this wine an A for AMAZING.

MEMORY LANE: SMIRNOFF CITRUS VODKA

SMIRNOFF CITRUS VODKA:

When: September 26, 2009
Where: My house/Big Buck's

Yah, Citrus vodka, I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking. I bought this a couple days after I turned nineteen because I wanted to change it up from the Strawberry and Watermelon vodka that I had been drinking since I was like eight years old. So it was a lovely Friday evening, I had my friends come over to celebrate my nineteenth birthday. Abby and I did shots of this nasty vodka like no tomorrow, like we were completely trashed and I loved every second of it. After predrinking for a bit, we went to Big Buck's for my very first time at a bar. I must say, my first experience at a bar was pretty epic. However, I lost my camera for a bit, which wasn't cool at all but we asked a couple bouncers until we asked the right one who had found it. We danced the night away, literally, like we only left the dancefloor to get more drinks and then we were right back there. Abby was dancing with the guy who need every single word to the song, "In the Ayer", it was pretty awesome. The dancefloor there is pretty cool, they have the actual dance floor and then a bunch of stairs up to the stage, the stage is where we spent a lot of our time. So all of us were dancing in a circle and this black guy wearing this white suit comes over and grabs Abby's hand to start dancing with her and she refused him. When he asked me to dance, I was obviously totally down for it because I love the black hotties, especially when they're classy in white suits. My friends told me not to go over there because, well, he was old but I didn't notice that until after I started dancing with him. I told him that I had to dance with him because he was the owner of the club and I wanted to get us free drinks. So, I danced with him for a bit and I guess I was starting to sober up or something because I realized how old he actually was. I decided that maybe dancing with this old black man wasn't the way I wanted to spend my birthday, especially since he wasn't the owner of any club. It must've been that white suit that fooled me because I have absolutely no idea where I got it in my head that he was the owner of the club. All I can really say now is that I wish someone had taken a picture of that moment in my life because I want to remember it forever and ever.... and ever.

ROCK THE CASBAH

Last night was my friend Michelle's birthday party. I decided to change it up a little and drink wine instead of what I usually drink: the leftover alcohol that people leave at our parties. So we start predrinking a little bit at my house and then make it over to Michelle's around eleven o'clock or so. We walk in the door, into the living room and BAM, it hits me: this is the most multicultural party I have ever been to. There were a bunch of black guys there (my fav, as you know) and we talked to this Spanish guy named Christian for most of the night who claimed he had drank one and a half 26s. Now, let's be serious Christian, I drank almost a whole 26 and almost died, I'm pretty sure you over exaggerated a little bit. So, after Christian spilled a shot of tequila all over my legs, I decided to stop talking to him and talk to the black hottie sitting next to me on the couch. We chatted for a bit, Christian interrupted us and tried convincing me that him and Matt (black hottie) were blood related. I may have been drunk but I'm pretty sure I can tell the difference between a black man and not-so-black man, especially when one of them is claiming that they're brothers. Michelle, the birthday girl, was completely trashed, like I had never in my life seen her like this. Her ass made more of an appearance than anything else that night. After a while, we all decided to leave to go to the bar and ended up at the bar on campus at my school. Jen and I waited in line for about seven minutes, realized how amazing a pita would be at that point in time and left to get a pita. We made friends with the Pita Shack employee and bonded over our nose piercings. After getting out pitas, we started walking home and I got distracted by a bunch of people sitting near tents outside a residence. Jen and Kass, not impressed with our pit stop, kept walking home and left me there. I started chatting up the people outside the tents, they were there for some reason, I can't remember what but I asked them if they needed donations, decided that instead of going into my purse and getting money, I just threw my purse at them and told them they could have all the money in there. Of course, being good Laurier citizens, seeing how drunk I was, gave back my purse without taking any money from me. So, I started walking home, fell once... or twice.... and then made it home to eat my delicious pita. I guess it's kind of depressing that we drank three nights in a row, and didn't even make it out to a bar for more than an hour. That's okay, I'm sure the owners of Four Seasons and Pita Shack love our business.

FRIDAY NIGHT MADNESS

So only one word can sum up the events that occurred last night: RIDICULOUS... just complete ridiculousness. For the most part, it was a pretty fun night, mainly because I ended up getting pizza and Omegling with Fiona. The entire night is mostly a blur, and I feel like I say that all the time on here when I write these things, but it's true. I was down in our basement for most of the night, until I came upstairs to Jen bitching at some guy telling him to leave our house because was being rude. Honestly, I was so rattled by that and I'm pretty sure that Jen has the power to kick anyone out of a house (she's scary in that way). Near the end of the night, a bunch of my friends were going to Philip's and tried getting me to go with them but all that multi coloured rum had gotten to my head (for some reason, my 26 of rum turned from clear to this weird greeny/pinky colour.. don't ask me how that happened). After the party starting dying out, around three o'clock or so, I went downstairs to see if anyone was down there and noticed that my iPod was missing from the iPod dock that plays our music. I started looking around for it and gave up because I realized that I was far too drunk to be looking for a missing iPod. In the morning, we cleaned up (after going to Benny's for a delicious breakfast) and that is when I came to terms with the fact that someone stole my iPod. I had absolutely no idea that we invited criminals to our party and I'm still pissed the guy with the shaved head and ten cases of beer stole my iPod. Not only was my iPod stolen, Steph's cell phone was stolen also. In the words of my eleven year old brother, "this really grinds my gears." And so, my advice to all of you, if someone comes into your house looking like a criminal, they probably are so get Jen to kick them out.

ANOTHER NIGHT AT CHAINSAW

Last night, my roommate's friend from Ottawa, Fiona came to our lovely home in celebration of her 20th birthday. We decided that the best place to take her was the bar called Dallas, a bar that I'm not much of a fan of but there's a mechanical bull there so who can complain? Anyways, she got to our house pretty late, around eleven or so which meant she had about three and a half seconds to get drunk before we went to the bar. Honestly, this girl is a champ. She downed about ten shots within ten minutes. I went upstairs for ten minutes, came back down and she was completely trashed. Good job Fiona, you made me proud. Our plans to go to Dallas failed miserably for a couple reasons: 1) it wasn't until twelve o'clock that we made it out of the house and 2) the bus ride there would have taken at least fifteen minutes... AND SO, no Dallas (can't say I was too opposed to not going there). Everyone ended up leaving the house except for Jen (another roomie) and I because we are actually the slowest people on this earth. Jen lost her phone so we were looking for it for about twelve years. Two drunk betches + searching for a lost item = bad news bears. We looked for awhile and figured we should leave for the bar since everyone left days ago. We called a cab and went to Chainsaw (oh yes). I was reunited with some friends from last year which was just super. Fiona almost got in a fight because she is a crazy betch and loves fighting people when intoxicated. Jen and I ended up leaving after an hour because we love pizza more than anything else in this world. We went home, ate our hot pepper pizza and parted ways to our beds. I was on Omegle for a bit and went to the washroom where I found Jen's phone in the bathroom sink. That's right, it was perfectly placed in the middle of the sink. I mean, how drunk do you have to be to leave your phone in the sink?

MEMORY LANE: FIREBALL

FIREBALL CINNAMON WHISKY:
When: March, 2009
Where: WCH/The Vault

The very first time I ever bought a bottle of Fireball was last year in March. I had tried it before and I liked it so I decided to give in and spend the $19.95 (big mistake). Me and some of the girls from my floor last year were going out to The Vault (sketchy ass club here, worst club ever)... anyways, we were drinking in our lounge doing shots (mistake number one) and after a few shots, my heart begins to beat super fast and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I had to leave, go to my room and lie down for a bit before I killed someone. After being in there for a few minutes, I felt better and returned back to my friends. Don't worry, the night had JUST begun at this point. We went to the bar, danced for a bit and then I realized that my one friend was M.I.A. (and no, not the singer). So I called her, she said she was outside the bar still because her friend's fake ID didn't work. This is where my detective skills came into play. We went to the side door of the club where people leave to go out and smoke, told our friend to meet us there and snuck her in when the security guards weren't looking (so badass, I know). However, this wasn't the first time that our friend tried sneaking in the side door. The security guards recognized her, surrounded us and told us to leave. I was absolutely terrified and I thought the security guards were going to kills us. We left, walked around to the front of the club and tried getting in again (epic fail). The owner of the club (or so he told us) came out and told us to leave. So, of course, me thinking I'm tough shit when drunk, I start talking back to him, telling him how awful and shitty his club is. We argued for a few minutes and then he BANS ME FROM THE CLUB... okay, pal. I was fuming at this point, just extremely pissed. The three of us left and went to The Fox where we were standing in line for a few minutes. The next events are somewhat of a blur to me, all I recall is seeing my one friend running towards a cab and the other, standing in line looking absolutely terrified. I then notice that there is water all over the ground and I'm like "where the fuck did this water come from?" I stared at that puddle for so long and couldn't grasp what the fuck that liquid was. THE NEXT DAY... a bunch of us were discussing the events from the night before and I asked them what the fuck happened when we were in line at The Fox since I didn't really remember much. They told me that they had to leave and go back to res since my friend pissed her pants because she was so trashed. Honestly, funniest moment of my life when I found that out. It all made sense to me: the urgency to get into the cab, that weird puddle on the ground that appeared out of nowhere. I haven't drank Fireball after this night and I never will again... although, when I think about it, that entire night comes back to me and then I'M the one pissing my pants.

GUILTY AS CHARGED: I'M A FISH PERSON

Don't get me wrong, I love dogs just as much as the next person but, fish will always have a special place in my heart... right next to my dog Rocky, that is. The first fish I had ever gotten was in February 2008 and I gave him the lovely name, Timbaland. Now, Timba was no ordinary fish, he was special and was just absolutely awesome. He was my best friend, a companion that I could truly count on because he was always there for me. Right now you're probably thinking, "fuck, this chick is crazy thinking a fish can be a best friend"... WELL, HE WAS, OKAY? I'm sorry for raising my voice, I just loved that fish so much. After Timba d..d..d...died, I was devastated, 126% devastated. The week before he died, I knew something was wrong with him because well, I was his momma. I wanted to take him to see a vet. My friends all laughed in my face when I said I wanted to take my betta fish to a doctor. So, I went to the mall for the day, came home later that night and found him.... dead. His poor lifeless body laying on the pebbles that I had so carefully placed inside his bowl after washing it the day before. I still remember this day as if it were yesterday.. oh wait, it was.... JUST KIDDING. He died in January 2009, almost one year I would've had the little guy. Just talking about this brings tears to my eyes. I can still see him lying on those pebbles, his neck (if he had one) looked as if it had been broken in half, his eyes were red, as if possessed by some sort of demon. I was so heartbroken after Timba died, I didn't have the strength to flush him down the toilet. I wanted to give him a funeral and a proper burial, it was the least I could do for him after everything him and I had been through. So, I kept him in a Vitamin Water bottle (one of the greatest inventions on this earth) and planned to give him a burial the next day. The next day turned into the day after, and the day after turned into the day after that, I just wasn't ready to get rid of him yet. One night, I got really trashed (my solution to coping with the pain from the loss of my dear fish).. and apparently showed my friend Timba in the bottle, was really upset...opened up the lid.... and smelled it...... a bunch of times. I know that sounds completely disgusting because, well, it is fucking disgusting. However, in a weird way, I'm going to say that act showed how much I truly cared for my fish. The next day, I realized that I had to let go and flush him down the toilet (something I had been dreading). So, I poured the bottle into the toilet, hesitated for a bit (maybe cried a little), and finally, flushed it. I always think about all the times we had together: me singing him lullabies before bed, reading him the latest issue of The Life and Times of a Betta Fish every month, cooking him perfect meals that consisted of blood worms and betta snacks, taking him out of his bowl and letting him swim freely in the pond down the street. You know, these memories I will always cherish because Timbaland Balls was the greatest fish I have ever had. My two other fish, Fib and Wilfrid, cannot even compare to him because I could never share the kind of bond I shared with him with anyone else. So please, when you go home tonight, give your fish a kiss and cherish those precious moments you have together because you never know when he might die and then you'll have to carry around his corpse in a Vitamin Water bottle.

Timbaland Balls
February 2008 - January 2009

THAT'S MY FAVOURITE SONG PLAYING THROUGH THE SPEAKERS

I feel like it has been so long since I last wrote a post for my blog. To be honest, I've been busy doing absolutely nothing and Omegling. That's right, I have just coined the term "Omegling", feel free to use it if you like. I had a pretty eventful weekend. On Friday, my roomies and I (plus our friend Mark), went to Revolution Nightclub. This was my first time going and I must say, I quite enjoyed myself there. This is probably one of the nicest clubs I have ever been to and compared to Philip's, you could pretty much eat off the floors at this place. So we get there, waited in line for about five seconds and as soon as we got inside, I lost my friends. I know I always say that one day I'm going to go to a bar alone and so, I'm saying that Friday was my night alone at the bar. Even though technically I didn't GO to the bar alone, I was still alone in the bar... for the most part. After being so rattled that I couldn't find any of my friends, I decided to just enjoy my time there and hung out on the dancefloor. This is where I found a boy who looks exactly like my hot prof from last semester. So obviously I hung out with him for most of the night because 1) he was hot 2) he was a hockey player and 3) he sang to me. After I left him, I found my friends and also a black man. I'm not going to get into further detail because well, I don't kiss and tell. After that, I found the hockey player again and we played tonsil hockey for a bit, a very competitive sport. I then realized how I hung out with my friends for about two minutes the entire night so called them to see where they were. I called Steph and she said that they were at home. Now, this has never happened to me before because my friends and I never leave the bar without each other. At this point, I was extremely rattled and needed to find a cab home. After wandering off into some field, I was so scared because it was so dark and Steph (still on the phone) guided me back to the light (a cab). I get home, gave the cabby a twenty dollar bill, the fare was six dollars, told him to keep the change and made my way inside. The night was pretty eventful and I must say, probably one of the best nights I have ever had here. Even though the night wasn't over after I got home, I'll let you use your imagination to finish the story.

THANK YOU, ST. PATRICK

Urban Dictionary (my fave) describes St. Patrick's Day as the following: Wear green. Go to parades and bars. Drink Guinness. Get snot hanging drunk. Act like an idiot. Blame March 17th. Seeing as that is exactly what we did (minus the drink Guinness part) on St. Patty's, I figured this defintion was pretty accurate.

Our day began around two o'clock in the afternooon. Some friends came over, we played flip cup in our driveway and invited randoms on the street to join us. Now, not trying to brag here but, my roommates and I are champs at flip cup... just pure champions. I recenetly lost my "flip" but, regained it on Wednesday, thankfully. Honestly, I'm pretty sure we won every single round of flip cup... and if we didn't, I'm just going to say that we did. We have improved our chant that we sing before we start playing. Before it was, "Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole, Laurier, Laurier" repeated twice. BUT NOW, we say that and then add "flip cup, bitch" at the end. It's a little vulgar but hey, it's a nice touch to an amazing song.

My street was a sea of green, it was just perfection. The house across from us had people on their roof and all over their lawn. I didn't get a very good picture of it because I was too amazed at my friend Matt on his unicycle.

I'm not even going to begin to try and give you a timeline to the events that occured on St. Patty's because I had absolutely no idea what time it was throughout the day. That's the beauty of drinking all day; you start early enough that you have all day to drink and still have the night to go out.

Our friend, April, got a ticket for standing onto the sidewalk with a beer bottle in her hands. We tried talking to Officer Slater and getting him to cut her some slack because it was St. Patty's but he was not impressed. We then went on campus for some food, got a pita, came back home, I took a nap and then went out to the bar. HOLY SHIT, I left out the best part... WE WERE ON THE NEWS! CTV was on our street for some of the day and taped us, it was just great. Second best part of the day: we didn't even have to clean up the outside because there was a man on a lawnmover driving by people's houses and cleaning up their mess. Also, four black hotties carried in our flip cup table and put it back into the basement for us. So yah, again, our night ended with a pizza slice.. and garlic dip because you can't have pizza without a dipping sauce.

MEMORY LANE: SMIRNOFF GREEN APPLE VODKA

I wanted to start this new thing where I tell you my memories (if I have any) from all the alcohol/alcohol brands I have tried. So, here we go...

SMIRNOFF GREEN APPLE VODKA:
When: New Year's Eve, 2006
Where: Kaitlyn's house/the bathroom floor

My friend Kaitlyn was throwing a party for New Year's Eve. I got there late and when I say late, I mean at eleven o'clock at night. After seeing how wasted everyone was and realizing that I only had an hour to get drunk before midnight, I decided the best choice for me was to drink my twenty-sixer of vodka as quickly as possible (eventually finishing the entire thing). To be quite honest, this entire night is a complete blur to me. My memories consist of the following: 1) I'm sitting at the bar in her basement taking shots with my friends, 2) I'm lying on her couch talking to my friend on the phone, 3) My friend picks me up from her house to bring me back to my other friend's house and 4) I'm sitting in front of the toilet... where I stayed for a good three hours. If I could take back any night of my drinking life, it would be this one, hands down. I have never been more sick in my entire life; I missed the countdown to New Year's, missed partying with my friends, made a complete ass of myself in front of my friends and totally got a lecture from my mom in the morning because she thought I overdosed on some hardcore drug and fell into a black hole. Since I was incapable of either talking or walking, when my mom called to wish me a "Happy New Year", my friends told her I was "downstairs playing videogames" and couldn't come to the phone (mistake number one). This story is actually kind of depressing but it's a good lesson to everyone (including me). I will never ever drink this kind of vodka again, just thinking about it is making me feel sick. However, if you're a fan of the green apple taste, I suggest either drinking it in cooler form or perhaps a lot slower than I did.

SIGHTING: BLACK MAN

I'm in Ottawa right now and me and my fam went out for dinner last night at Tucker's Marketplace. This was the first time I had ever been there and I'm obviously completely in love with it for one reason and one reason only: A HOT BLACK MAN CHECKED ME OUT... that's right, you heard me. This place is a buffet so I was waiting in line for some guy to make me some stir fry and from the corner of my eye I could see this hot black guy (I'm telling ya, my peripherals are all about the black guys).. anyways, I look over at him and saw him look me up and down.. like literally, UP AND DOWN. So, obviously my first instinct is to look behind/around me to see who he was looking at but the only person around was my eleven year old brother. So I then look back at him, he gives me a smile and a nod... and by but this point, I'm so fucking frightened, it's ridiculous. Like this siutation was just terrifying for me... as if this hot black man just gave me "the nod". What did I do, you ask? WELL, clearly being as rattled as I was, gave him an "I think I just shit my pants" smile back to him. I'm not used to this from black hotties. Normally they all generally just stare at the girls dancing at Philip's. I was sort of upset, seeing as this man could have been my future husband but then I realized, there are plenty more black men in the sea.

FOR ALL YOU RUM DRINKERS OUT THERE...

So I wanted to give my opnion on what type of rum that I like and this one is my absolute favourite..

(just plain old original)

Bacardi has flavoured rums also but I've only ever tried Orange, Raspberry, Citrus (ew) and Coconut. My favourite out of all of those was for sure Raspberry but the original is still my favourite. I'm not really a fan of any spiced rums but when I had Captain Morgan's, it was quite enjoyable. Another drink that I love getting at the bar is rum and coke (that will probably be the April's alcohol of the month) and made when right, it's the perfect drink.

ALCOHOL OF THE MONTH

My absolute favourite alcoholic drink is a whiskey sour. The first time I ever had one was last year and it's all I ever get when I'm at the bar (that's a lie, I get it a lot though). The cheapest place I've ever gotten one is obviously at Phillip's (it was $2.50)... and the most expensive was at Joe Dog's ($7.25)... do not ask my why I decided to get one for that price. It has a very distinct taste, it's sweet and delicious, there is no other way to describe it. So next time you're at the bar, get a whiskey sour because it will change your life.

I suggest not making this drink at home because I have tried before and it didn't taste as good as it did when I got it at the bars.

"I WISH I HAD MORE MILK"

Chainsaw is great, it's just friggin great. If you like fun hangout bars that have karaoke plus a live band, this bar is for you. I have been in love with this bar since last year, except that's when it was called The Spur. This is the bar that we went to every single Thursday last year.. aka "Spursday". It was pretty fun last night but I was super tired because I had only gotten two hours of sleep that day because I was up all night writing an essay. Other than the fact that I kept passing out on the table, it was fun. The band there asked for girls to come up and sing Don't Stop Believing by Journey. For those of you who know me, you know that I absolutely love this song. This is the song that we sang every single time we went to The Spur last year. So anyways, none of my friends wanted to go up and sing it with me so I went alone... JUST KIDDING. I kind of regret not going up and singing it though. However, I did stand up from my seat and conducted the rest of the bar as if they were in my choir. I guess you had to have been there to understand what I mean. Just picture me standing in the middle of Chainsaw waving my arms and singing as if I were the conductor of a symphony or choir. As if I managed to steal a beer last night even though beers were only two bucks. We were sitting at a table with a bunch of randos and there were about eight beers on the table and this guy (I think his name was Darren), he came over to get the beers and he's like "which ones are yours?" so I took one of the beers as if it were mine. I have a new dream.. a fantasy, if you will and it goes a little something like this:

I'm on stage at Chainsaw, a keyboard in front of me, everyone is silent, the spotlight is on me and I start playing Don't Stop Believing on the keyboard and then all of a sudden a band comes out of the darkness and starts playing with me. The crowd goes wild and everyone is cheering my name, I get a record deal from the guy sitting over at table eight because he's a producer at a big record company.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUCKING SWEET THAT WOULD BE?

Anywhos, now that I have shared my deepest darkest fantasy with you, I should be going. I'm going to Ottawa this weekend with my fam, I'm so stoked, I haven't seen them in so long. I'm so happy that I have brothers who are of legal drinking age so we can go out to the bars in Ottawa.

FINLAND'S FINEST

So I don't know if you guys have heard of the website Omegle but it's the greatest invention known to this world. It's this site where you talk to strangers and become best friends with them (sometimes). I wanted to share one of my conversations with you because it's probably one of my favourite conversations that I have ever had. If you're bored and can put up with almost every guy asking you if you're horny and want to go on webcam, you'll love this site almost as much as I do because it's not possible to love it as much as I do.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: wasssap
Stranger: nothing
Stranger: asl?
You: 20 f canada
Stranger: ;)
You: you
Stranger: im only 15 finland =(
Stranger: isit nice when canada win in the olimpics ?
Stranger: in hockey
You: yes... very nice... canada is the best
Stranger: are you hot i havent ever seen som one from canada
You: you mean my temperature? it's pretty cold here most of the time... i do live in an igloo
Stranger: noo i meen are u hot?
Stranger: lol
You: right now? no, i'm cold. my igloo is freezing
Stranger: are u a sexy girl?
You: OHHHHHH
Stranger: a gees u are a blond
You: yes, of course.. canada is full of sexy women
You: no, im a brunette
Stranger: are u canadies horny?
You: no, no... we're not gladiators.
Stranger: what are you wearing now?
You: right now i'm wearing my bear skinned parka with a seal hat and some furry mittens
Stranger: underwears?
Stranger: panties ?
You: yah.. some deer skin ones
Stranger: do you have big pussy?
You: no, we don't have those in canada. just dogs for pets.
Stranger: big vegiana?
You: why yes, i am a vegetarian
You have disconnected.

Also, told some boy today that I was from North Carolina. Then he asked me if I was Canadian about an hour into the conversation because I had said "eh" three times. Haha, whoops.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY FLIP CUP WITH RUM

My weekend was pretty good, thank you for asking. I went to my roommate's hometown on Thursday until Saturday afternoon, which means I skipped my English class on Friday, sorry Bobby Wyse. On Saturday, we went to Toronto for a bit which was awesome because I haven't been to Toronto in so long. Then, we came home with my friend Marie (as in we kidnapped her from Toronto) and got ready for our party last night. Let me just say, I told myself to be in bed and sleeing by midnight tonight, not happening. So anyways, our party last night was great. I've decided that our drinking room (AKA The Spur) is the devil. Once you have entered that room, there is no going back and no telling how fucked you will be once you leave it. I swear to you, I was in there for five seconds then the flip cup took over me and BAM, my best friend for the whole night was my kitchen floor. I can't really say that I enjoyed myself last night because well, let's be serious, I don't think anyone remembers last night. Let's just say, railings were broken, phones were thrown and I fell... a lot. My body is not a fan of me right now and I stayed in bed all day until around ten pm when I got up to make some toast. My knees are so bruised, it's just ridiculous and there are cuts all over the place that weren't there yesterday. I bet you're wondering how many drunk calls and texts I made last night.... well, there may have been about three or four phone calls and a couple texts but that all happened before my phone dropped to the ground and shattered to pieces. Just kidding, it was thrown on the ground though but it's still all in one piece. I want to thank all my friends who tried helping me yesterday and want to apologize for trying to fight every single person who came anywhere near me. I would like to say that my walk down King Street at two in the morning helped sober me up but, it didn't. All in all, I guess it was a pretty good night and I suggest to everyone not to play flip cup with anything other than beer because you will get drunk and try to fight people.

WHAT EVERYONE NEEDS... A WALL OF SHAME

Wall of Shame: A certain area in a room that is completely dedicated to creating embarrassment for the people who are on the wall. An example being that your roommate has passed out on the futon with her thong hanging out (this has actually happened). Once a picture is taken to capture this moment, it gets printed and then put up on the wall to showcase.

Now, we have just recently created a Wall of Shame in our house and hopefully, at the end of university, our entire room will be covered with drunken pictures. We have a room in our house dedicated to drinking, we call it The Spur as a tribute to the bar that closed down last May.

This is a picutre of our Wall of Shame, just to give you guys an idea of what I'm talking about. It's kind of a bad picture but I think you understand what I mean.

WARNING: EXPLICIT SALSA CONTENT

I would like to share one of my worst drunken experiences with you. This actually happened about three years ago at a friend's birthday party in the summer. I was trashed, completely trashed to the point that my friends made me play flip cup with water but I didn't know that until the day after. So, it was a cool June evening and I was wearing my new summer dress that I bought for the party (somewhat important part of the story). Anyways, a bunch of us were hanging out in this field and there was this girl who started puking everywhere. So, I go over to comfort her, hold her hair back, you know, the thing that good friends do, ask her if she's okay and if she wants some water... and then... BAM the next thing I know, I'm on the ground. This is when I start rolling around and laughing to my friends saying, "GUYS, GUYSSSSS... I'm rolling around in salsa! WHY is there SALSA on the ground?"... and as I've told you before, I'm the biggest drunk dialer that ever existed so, obviously I'm on my phone leaving my friend a message telling her all about how I'm rolling around in salsa and wondering why there was salsa on the ground. So, my friends just started laughing at me and I had no idea what the fuck was so funny and was STILL confused as to why I was taking a bath in salsa. To this day, their laughter haunts my dreams. You're probably wondering what that "BAM" was before I hit the ground. Well, the puker PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE... and I hit the ground, my nose starts bleeding and I'm rolling around in salsa... EXCEPT it WASN'T salsa... that's right...... IT WAS PUKE. SO, at this point in time, I'm some drunk bitch who just got punched in the nose, rolling around in someone else's puke and getting blood all over the place. AND, to top all of this off, during the night I mysteriously cut open my finger, it gets infected the next day, swells and I have to go to the doctor's and explain to him that I don't remember how I got the cut because I was drunk.... and he puts me on antibiotics because the cut is so bad. The next morning, I woke up to puke and blood all over my dress wondering what the fuck happened the night before. Well, at least I wasn't rolling around in dog shit... oh no, wait... THAT HAS ALSO HAPPENED TO ME. You think your friends would help you out when you're rolling around in either dog shit, puke, blood or even actual salsa.... but no. Don't worry, I have learned my lesson and will never trust anything that is pretending to be salsa again.